Between Rounds

Round 2 into Round 3 (of 16 rounds!)

Waking up to Roscoe in bed was exactly the counterbalance I needed to the pit in my stomach today.

This is three Mondays in a row now, so according to what I know about comedy, we now have established the game of the scene. And the “game” is that day-before-chemo dread is real, and it’s one of the few things my psyche gives my body permission to feel in real time. I cried randomly at church Sunday – not because I felt something, but because I saw hope within an established community, longed to feel anything, but I couldn’t.

Or how last Thursday night, while journaling, I finally cried, out of profound gratitude for the people who have stepped up, and fear because their very care that keeps me grounded might disappear. This being my second cancer rodeo, I know you can’t always tell who will be there when treatment is over and the feelings actually show up.

Or that endless scrolling on Redfin is somehow hopeful? Because it means I’m choosing to live as though there is a curative approach to this recurrence, as though I can still make big future plans. But somehow, the thought crashes in that these plans are lofty because not everyone makes that kind of recovery. It’s the simple grief of living as though you have time but knowing maybe you don’t.

And honestly, that fear is an avoidant one. Because life down the line isn’t what’s at stake. What’s in front of my face, the day before infusion, is that I have to make yet another step on this marathon. It’ll be round 3 of 16 rounds, and then surgery, and then radiation.

Are you exhausted yet? Me too.

5 Random Things within 5 Random(ish) Categories

1. Ways I compartmentalize:

   1. Rearranging my entire apartment and putting a Wayfair coupon to use! We’re building a 30 sq ft resting nook!

   2. Reading Jane Eyre for the first time (this little girl is great)

   3. Approaching cancer as my ‘manager’ self – she’s good running the 501c3 that is Keep Simone Alive

   4. Setting up dates and shooting my shot in your mom’s DMs 😛

   5. Taking Roscoe to the dog park

2. Things I’ll process if I ever have the time

   1. Getting a second diagnosis – I’ll let my therapist correct me, but until then – no, I’m not thinking of my recurrence as traumatic, because I can’t take one more “thing” to process in my 30s while peers frolic and build lives

   2. Lymph-node surgery and the risks it poses (tbd when, but that’s a Fall problem)

   3. Cancer ghosting – people who sat in waiting rooms in ‘23 are nowhere to be found in ‘26

   4. The person who floundered at ‘in sickness and in health’ with me, feeling confident enough to promise that to someone else after one seemingly crisis-free year.

   5. Family and loved ones still not being able to meet me where I’m at

3. Observations (or judgements lol) on the outside world from inside the infusion center

   1. Most things have solutions – they’re just hard. And people don’t like hard

   2. In sickness and in health is bullshit – or rather something I doubt anyone under the age of 55 knows much if anything about

   3. People can be avoidant forever or as long as nothing forces them to take radical inventory

   4. If you don’t sit down, life might make that choice for you – take care of yourself

   5. “No help is coming, so you’d better start saving yourself”

4. Second time around surprises

   1. I cry far less – meaning I probably am feeling a lot more than I can access

   2. People can show up, want to show up, and will love me the way I need to be loved. I love the people who want to be on the journey with me; friendships deepen, and I’m still surprised and honored to be loved by some of the best.

   3. My Libido! Existing!! And showing up (God bless Sativa and that 4-day window before infusions)

   4. Enjoying the benefits of doing cancer uncoupled – I have nothing and no one to manage but myself and my health *shrug*

   5. Having a dog even in treatment is good for the spirit – we’ve made great progress on the words “ball” and “around”

5. Future plans I hope to make:

   1. Enroll in an EMT class

   2. Take a road trip either cross-country or down the PCH

   3. Stay in NYC for a month to help out the family + explore

   4. Explore and live in new cities

   5. Take a risk and go all-in on building a life that excites me